When does flirting become cheating?

Diva-
I love my boyfriend, but there is a man in my office that I am really attracted to…He knows I am in an exclusive relationship and I speak of my boyfriend at work. There has always been this chemistry between me and this guy though. We work really well together and there is just this “spark” there.

After working late one night we were just joking around as usual, and the next thing you know we were kissing. That is as far as it went but now I am freaking out. Should I tell my boyfriend? Does this make me a “cheater” now? Does kissing count as cheating or is it still flirting? Does this mean I should break up with my boyfriend to see if the other guy may be a better fit for me?
Signed,
Freaking in Flatbush

Dear Take-a-breath,
OK, have you taken the breath? Good. Let’s think about this for a minute and don’t get all hasty. You say that you love your boyfriend so I don’t know that breaking up with him just like that is such a great idea. Also, if the kiss was a one time only error in judgment, I don’t know that telling him would do your relationship any good. So before anything else, let’s talk about that.

Do YOU want to pursue this other guy? (Who, which by the way you happen to WORK with EVERYDAY) Do you feel like the kiss was a beginning to something more you both want, or you were tired and having fun and you just crossed a line? What would YOU do if it could happen again? Is pursuing this other guy worth giving up your current relationship to do so? I can’t answer those questions for you- only you can.

Here’s the thing, in all relationships there will come a point where someone will come along that makes you question if you are with the right person. You will be drawn to them, attracted to them. Usually because they are representing something you feel may be lacking in your own relationship. The conscious decision to ACT on those feelings is where things get sticky- and sneaky. With your act of kissing him, you crossed a line. Some lines can’t be crossed back over. You want to know if you’re a cheater? Well some would say yes and some would say no. Would you consider your boyfriend a cheater if he kissed another girl? There’s your answer.

Something is up in your relationship if you are kissing other guys at work. What is it? Is he what “good looks like to you” or have you always felt like you weren’t really sure if he was the right one- but wanted someone to watch movies with on the weekend? If the latter is true, it is not fair for you to continue on in the relationship regardless of what happens with the other guy. Again, would you want a man to stay with you knowing his heart wasn’t really in it and was just waiting for something better to come along? No you would not.

However, if you tell me that you really love your boyfriend, and he is what “good looks like to you” and you see yourselves having a future together- you need address what you feel is lacking  and to make the decision to stop kissing other men. Period. Yes you can look at another man and be attracted to him, or you can get along with him- and hell, I even believe a little flirting doesn’t hurt. All normal stuff and it doesn’t make you a beast, just human. But here is the truth; people in committed relationships don’t kiss others. Some people you can not be “just friends” with. It just doesn’t work. Maybe it is that way for you and this other guy right now. You work with him so you can’t stay away from him, but try to work with others around, don’t go to lunch with him, and keep it to work. I’m not saying be mean to the guy but if you are committed to your boyfriend, don’t put yourself in a position where you are vulnerable to the temptation. If you are not capable of seeing where the line is when you are with this person, you need to take whatever steps you can to not put yourself in a position to cross those lines until you no longer feel that way around him.

Good luck and let me know how it works out for you.

Love, Diva

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