Plastic Surgery for Love?

Dear Diva,
My husband and I have a great relationship, we have been together for 4 years. Since I had our daughter a few years ago, I have had some trouble losing the baby weight to get my old figure back. What’s even more troublesome, after I stopped breast feeding- my breasts, which were small to begin with are now small AND sagging!… I thought because they were small I wouldn’t have those sagging problems. Anyway, my husband is in great shape and works out regularly. I am worried that he will start to look at other women. I talked to him last week about how frustrating it was to see my figure suffering so much and he suggested maybe a little lipo and a breast lift! I hadn’t really thought about it before, I want to stay sexy for him. Would you have surgery to keep your man happy?
Surgery Should I in Sagebrush

Dear Make-you-happy-first,
Yes, I would consider “getting some work done”. No, I would not do it to keep my man happy.
OK, let me go further. I personally feel that in a relationship, folks have certain obligations to each other. Looking your best is one of them. I am the opposite of a lot of women out there in that I tend to focus even more on looking my best when in a relationship rather than when I am single and on the “hunt”. I feel like letting myself go to hell would be a deal breaker. It would be for me. Not so much because of a vanity thing. If a man I loved was scarred up in a car wreck, or had an illness- that would not be the same as if he just let himself go because he didn’t care enough about me or the relationship. See the difference? I try to give back what I expect. I am conscious of the fact that part of “what good looks like to him” when he signed up for the relationship was the way I look/present myself.

Now with all that being said- If your sole reason for getting a procedure is to keep him happy, I do not agree. One should ultimately do such a thing because they want to for themselves. If YOU also like the idea of how you would look with a boob lift, or a tummy tuck- that’s great. If, however, you feel like your boobs are just great the way they are and you think some quality time doing crunches at the gym will be fine for your tummy- then do that. Your husband will look at other women until the day he dies. There will always be a plethora of other women out there to look at, and there should be more to your relationship than just your boobs. We are also talking about surgery here, there are risks involved with that. You have to ask yourself if those risks are worth it to you.

I can’t tell you that I will never have work done. I may one of these days, but probably nothing too drastic, and I will attempt the old-fashioned diet and excercise first. If I am not excited about doing it for myself- I won’t. What do you all think on this? Guys, would you have plastic surgery to keep a girl happy?
Love, Diva

Is Sexual Compatibilty Important?

Dear Diva,
I met a great guy a few months ago and we have been seeing each other more and more since then. We finally took the big step (sex) about a week and a half ago, twice more since, and I thought it was great. But when we saw each other last time, he said he didnt think that we were “sexually compatible” and we should probably not see each other anymore before someone got hurt. I am already hurt!! I mean, I have never had any complaints before and when I tried to find out what I was doing wrong he said it was not that, it was just a “compatibility thing” What the hell does that mean?…

Signed Confused in Coppell

Dear Gosh-that-sucks!
It’s really the worst time to break up, right after you start sleeping together. Sex is a big investment for most women, so if you break up before that happens, its not as harsh. If you break up after you have been sleeping together a few months you can find comfort in that the relationship was more than just sex, and just didnt work out. But right after stings a bit, and on top of that, it kicks your egos butt because you are questioning your “skills”. (Don’t ask me how I know this, I just do.) You also have “added to your number” in vain. I know you girls get that!

“What good looks like to you” makes up a few areas, interests, personality, way of life, money management, physical attraction, and yes sexual compatibility. Now there are usually clues to wether you are sexually compatible with someone, through phyical attraction, conversation about it, etc… The thing is you really don’t know if you are until…well you have the sex. I personally think there is a bit more going on here than that. If you were “What good looks like to him” in all other areas, he would probably just come to you about the sex part, and maybe make suggestions or try to encourage behaviors he likes in bed. That he just decided he was done- tells me there may be other ways you were not exactly what he was looking for.

But you are a smart girl, and want a guy that is crazy about you! You want a guy that you feel like you make happy, satisfy. You want a guy that you don’t have to wonder about. At some point he realized it was not a good long term match- for whatever the reasons, spoken or unspoken. The sooner that he calls it, the better. You don’t really want a man to stay with you when he doesnt want to be- right? Shake it off Sister. Lose his number, defriend him, unfollow him and move on. Put yourself in a position to find good again. I know you will proceed to the bedroom with caution the next time around and that’s OK. Try to have open and honest conversations about sex with potential partners before- likes, dislikes, boundaries, etc… If a man you are considering sleeping with says to you he enjoys and wants certain things that you don’t in bed maybe through communication, you can find that out beforehand.
Write me back in a few months to tell me about the great guy you were able to meet since this one did you the favor of letting you go.
Love, Diva

The “Relationship Simulator” Patent Pending

We all know that I love to fly- Even before the “awakening” (discovery flight), I thought most rules for flying made perfect sense. What’s great to me about flying today is simulators. You can go ahead and simulate a dangerous situation so that if you kill yourself you don’t really die…This is scientific brilliance, and allows you to see- “Ok if I do this- that happens” and you figure out that things that seemed like good ideas at the time didn’t come out so good.

Now I am, well thought I was, a woman that liked to think of herself as one that was great at avoiding catastrophes by thinking ahead. So I need to find a way to create a “Relationship Simulator”. This will allow you to simulate things with your relationship so you can avoid crashes. For example “What will happen if I sleep with this man even though we haven’t said we are exclusive…” Big red lights start to flash, and the simulator starts shaking-Ohhhh crash. Or maybe there could be a first date simulator where if you bring up your ex or even say the WORD marriage, it shuts right down. ”How bout if I score a guy sold out tickets to see his favorite band in Madison Square Garden- and tell him go with his friends for his birthday.” No crash- you get to walk off the plane. Maybe one could earn type ratings for that particular situation, they way one is rated for specific aircraft. Men sometimes are like airplanes when all is good the reward is a simple landing with no drama, no pain. Not crashing is a reward in and of itself.

See with the simulator you can preview the consequences, and actually practice and train yourself to take the appropriate action in a situation. Maybe we could add additional plug ins as we go, like a “His best friend is a (hot) girl” plug in. Or how about a “His friend is a pig”, or ” He is going to a bachelor party- in Vegas” Ya see, when people are in emotional situations they revert back to their training- the simulator will train you make the correct relationship call when these things come up. I love it. Patent Pending.
Don’t ask me how I think of the stuff- I just do. It’s an art.

Happily Married…bored in bed…?

Dear Diva,
I have been happily married for three years. During that time we have had a great sex life, but lately the sex seems well, remote almost, like we just do it just to be doing it. I mean I still get off most of the time- at this point he knows how to make that happen quickly! But the actual sex is not quite as fun as it used to be? Is this how it will always be now?… Is that the price that I pay to have a happy monogamous marriage? How do I keep him faithful to me when I know he has to be feeling the same thing? Signed Bored in Bedford

Dear Bedford,
I do understand what you saying loud and clear. I was with the same man over a decade, and though you do appreciate the security that comes from being able to truly know someone on that level, boredom is an inevitable trade off at times. Sometimes, for us at least, it was just a normal dip in the passion wave and within a week or two things were back to normal with no real action on our part. Usually it was because something else was going on in our lives.

Talk to your man! You don’t have to have one of those big “event” conversations-chances are he is feeling the same thing. Practice a little “preventative maintenance” and bring it up when you can still be casual about it, those conversations are always easier to have then the ones that happen later if you don’t bring it up. Men want to please women in bed. Why not think of some things, places, positions that you would like to try out? Mention the ideas to him in casual conversation. If the rest of the relationship is good, you should feel comfortable talking about your wants and needs on the sex front, as long as its done with love and respect. Did you also stop doing some of the things you used to when you were first together? Sometimes it’s easy for us to get caught up in everyday and forget as well.

Another idea- Go away for a few days with the girls. Missing someone is a fire starter in and of its self.
Good luck and write me in a few months and let me know how your doing. Love Diva

Online dating more trouble than its worth?

Dear Diva,
I have been trying to use online dating to meet men. It seems like it may be more trouble than its worth! Sometimes, I feel like I am trying to find a needle in a haystack. Sorting through all the people and writing and replying, only for nothing to ever really materialize. Does anyone actually meet someone that way?…
Signed, Frustrated in Farmers Branch

Dear You-Only-Need-One,
Sure people meet that way. They also meet at the grocery store, the car wash, the gas station, weddings, church, events…well you get the point. Online dating is one vehicle used to meet people. It can get overwhelming and frustrating at times.

It does have its downsides, and believe me I know them. Remember, you are talking to a girl that got to the “phone call” phase with over 100 men in a six month time period! Anyway, the good news is I can share a few hard-learned tips to make it a more enjoyable experience.

One negative with online dating is that 2-dimensions and 3-dimensions don’t always translate exactly. The old “They don’t look like their picture” problem. I think its best to meet relatively early in the “relationship” because truth be told there is no substitute for physical chemistry. Also by meeting in person, one can avoid that mind relationship that can develop by getting into the habit of talking to someone online-only, for an extended length of time. It stings a bit when someone that you have shared several evening chats with suddenly disappears.

Now you aren’t going to meet every single man that writes you- that would get overwhelming quickly. In keeping with my theme I follow a 3-step process: Email & IM/ Phone Call/ Quick meeting. If after a few emails or IM’s, we are still interested, a quick phone call is in order. Hear his voice, how he laughs, how easy is it to talk to him. If he does not want to call me, it tells me he may just be looking for a chat buddy, or just isn’t feeling it with me. That happens, and I move on. Ditto for the meeting. If you have shared some emails, and talked by phone a few times but he doesn’t seem interested in meeting, it tells you all you need to know. Recognizing the signs that its time to go spares you a ton of frustration and time when it comes to online dating!

What sites you use and the way you construct your profile make all the difference in the world. I am asked often what the best sites are to use, and my response is the same- “What does good look like to you?” There are a million dating sites out there to choose from. Spend some time browsing through some of them, most will let you look through the profiles without signing up. There are sites for specific interests, age groups, religion, etc…Choose a couple sites that seems to “fit you”, and have the type of people you are looking to meet and start there.

Your profile is your first impression. Make sure it conveys the same impression you would want to give someone if you were to meet at a party. Remember, you are only looking for one person. (Assumably) Write for quality and not necessarily quantity. It is better to get 3 letters from people you would be compatible with than 30 letters from a bunch that you aren’t. For more on this topic see related article Making an online dating profile

Finally, don’t forget that online dating is only one medium. Get out and enjoy yourself and do things! Meet people because its fun, to make friends, to learn things- not always with the intention of finding your “soulmate”. Be happy, and have fun- on and off-line and don’t forget to write us back in a few months and lets us know how your doing!

Love, Diva

Avoiding men with a fear of commitment…

Dear Diva,

How do you spot the guys that are commitment phobic before you get involved with them? I seem to constantly attract this sort of guy… and I was trying to find out if there was some sort of signal or personality they have that is universal to the commitment- phobe. This way I can recognize them before I become too attached. Thanks.
Signed Commitment Troubles in Coppell

Dear This-will-shock-you,

OK first, pour yourself a drink, if you don’t drink try teas. Got it? Ok now sit down, this is going to sting a bit. It’s not him, it’s you. Don’t worry- the stinging will stop in a second. “Explain yourself Diva!” you shout at me. “Hey, I thought you were supposed to make me feel better!” I will, promise. Just give me a second to explain.

There are a few, very few, people in the world with a true commitment phobia. You don’t want that guy. But I believe in my heart of hearts that most men labeled as such will not be once they run into the right girl. I believe 90% of the time that the “commitment-phobic” label that we like to slap on every guy that doesn’t want to run to the alter is our own way of not seeing that we are probably with the wrong guy. We are not the right girl for him. Ouch. I know.

Let me back this up a bit. We all know that couple that dated for years and never married, then as soon as they broke up within a year the guy was marrying someone else. We all know that bachelor that we thought would never settle down, never commit to anyone long term until one day- BAM. He meets a girl and suddenly this never-settle-down guy is shopping for diamond rings.

I think you would do better to recognize the signs of a guy being really excited about you and happy with you. Think about the guy that really liked you and chased you. Did you ever wonder where you stood with him? Nope, didn’t think so. That is what it looks like. Men in love call when they say they will, they make plans, they go out of their way to let you know you matter, and yes- they make commitments. If they do not want to do those things and are not inclined to do that, you are not the right one for him. The ability to recognize that and avoid wasting time with the wrong guy is a blessing.

So the next time you find yourself in a relationship where you are the one making all the effort, you are the one making all the plans, stop and question yourself. When you are always wondering where you stand, where your relationship is heading, and he is responding with vague answers to your questions, stop and think. Before you use the word “commitment-phobic” to describe him- or worse justify sticking around, tell yourself it may not be him- it may be you…and you deserve someone that adores you.
Love, Diva

PS. Please comment after the ugly ads. I know. I’m working on it.

The Kiss…

So someone asked me the other day if I could write at least 200 words about one single kiss. You know I can’t resist a dare…Here goes:

The Kiss

It was just a kiss
Yet every detail is etched in my mind. I experienced it with each of my senses.

Your hands, strong on the back of my neck- Your fingers, entwined in my hair…pulling just hard enough to show me how much you want me.

You breathe me into you, to shelter me, protect me from the rest of the world as it falls away around us. At the same time your eyes search for a way to climb into my very soul through the portal of my lips- so we will become one for that moment.

I feel your breath before your lips touch mine, and each part of me feels the glorious ache of anticipation before connection. When it happens, my mental defenses crumble and I submit to you and your desire to possess me.

Your lips are soft, yet rough with the strength of your passion. Your tongue, exploring what has become yours- that few others have owned before. I suck on your bottom lip in an effort to bring you deeper into me.

The unwelcome sound startles me. My eyes fly open at my desk
As my Assistant asks “Karla, are you sleeping? Don’t you have a client at 2 O’clock?”

Alone for the holidays, what do I do?

Dear Diva,

I am a single, 36 year old female. My parents have passed and I have no siblings. My closest relatives live 3 states away. I hate the holiday season because I don’t have anyone special to share the day with. In the past when I have been invited to friends homes, I have always felt kind of funny because its such a close family day, and I always end up missing my parents and don’t feel like I am very good company. What can I do to make the holiday easier on me until they are over with?
Alone in Addison

Dear Go- give-back,

Loneliness sucks. I have felt that, and have spent a holiday or 20 missing my family members that have passed.  Considering my lifestyle, I have also found myself in strange towns where I knew not- a- soul. The best way to overcome loneliness is to help others overcome loneliness.  Some of my best holiday memories are of those times.

On a Thanksgiving while in Boone, NC with just myself and two young sons, it didnt make sense to me to cook a giant turkey for only myself and a 3 & 5- year-old. We headed on down to the local shelter, brought some pies and helped pass out food to those that had none. My sons played in the rec center, and we danced and helped the center put up the Christmas tree.  We had a blast.

The first Christmas after my divorce, my ex took our sons for Christmas eve. I thought I would absolutely die of hurt at home alone without my children on my favorite part of Christmas, and for midnight services. I packed up a few extra gifts, and went up to the nursing home. I asked the nurses, who needs visitors and gifts and went around and talked with some of the residents that had no family. One lady, I will call her Ruth, wanted me to paint her finger nails. She said she hadn’t had her finger nails painted in years. So with the nurses help we rounded up some different color nail polish and had a grand old evening sipping tea and painting our nails. Some of the other residents got involved and it felt good.

There was another lady, I will call her Betty, she suffered from dementia, and she sang “I’m looking over a 4-leaf clover” over and over again, all day every day. Well we finally got her singing “Jingle Bells” and though she probably didn’t recall it 5 minutes after, she smiled while she sang it, and the other residents were grateful to hear a different song for once!

Ya see Addison, do something with it. Don’t take the loneliness and drown in it. If you don’t feel like spending time at others homes, reach out to those that have less. Help cure someone else’s loneliness and you will find yours fading away along with theirs. It feels good to help others feel good, even for a minute or two. It also reminds us of how fortunate each of us are in our own ways.  I hope you have the very merriest of holidays this year, and a brilliant New Year.

Love, Diva

I can’t stand her parents!

Dear Diva,

I met a terrific girl and we have been dating for almost a year. I think she might be the “One”. I would have already proposed by now, but one thing…I can’t stand her parents! …I know it sounds terrible but they really drive me crazy. Her mother complains non-stop, even  when we are out at a restaurant or in public and her poor father just sits there and never says a word probably because he can’t ever get one in.

I have heard that if you want to know what a woman will be like in 20 years to look at her mother. I just can’t help wondering if that is what we would look like in 20 years. Do you think she will end up acting like her mother? Do you think that we could make a relationship work for the long haul when I can’t stand to be around them for more than a couple hours? What about holidays and all that? When you marry a girl, do you really marry their whole family?

Signed,
Anti-social Son-in-law in Addison.

Dear Anti,

You have valid questions and concerns, and are smart to address them before ring shopping. Family dynamics are different in every situation, and if you have always thought that you would be close with your in-laws it could prove to be a challenge in this particular situation. But don’t go running from a great girl quite yet.

The woman you met is her own person, and sure we all share characteristics of our families to some extent.  But your marriage is not her parents marriage and how you manage it is up to the two of you together. You didn’t mention some key things that I am wondering. How often do you see her parents? If you live in Dallas and they live in San Diego, well it may only be an issue a few times a year. If that is the case I would tell you to “Suit up, show up, and shut up”, and try and make the best of the family visits. If on the other hand, they live in the same town, and insist that you buy the house that just became available on their block…well that would give me pause.

What bothers you about these people? Are they basically good folks at heart? Every family has their flaws, and that one relative that drives you nuts. But there is a trade-off there. Having a close family surely has advantages as well. To have a support system while you are starting out, buying a house, and having a family, is a great gift. You may even find as the years go on , they grow on you a bit and you become fond of them- including their faults. Sometimes you put up with a bit, you bite your tongue, but it’s worth it. If there are some real issues there that would truly interfere with your married life on a daily basis those need to be addressed.

Talk to your girl! She is the best indicator of how things will work out. It doesn’t need to be an intense conversation. You can even begin gathering information over small conversations. Questions like “Do you see yourself always living in the same town as your family?” or “How much do you think your mom has influenced who you are tolday?” are great getting to know you questions and open the door for further conversations about her family without being a jerk and saying “I can’t stand them, will we have to live near them our whole lives?!”

Pre-marital counseling is never a bad idea. It’s some couple time to talk about important issues like family dynamics and concerns that you have. If you see yourself spending your life with this person, you should be able to talk and work out compromises and solutions about concerns BEFORE they become issues.

As always, this is just one Diva’s opinion, and I always welcome yours.
Good luck & let us know how it works out for you!

Love, Diva

When does flirting become cheating?

Diva-
I love my boyfriend, but there is a man in my office that I am really attracted to…He knows I am in an exclusive relationship and I speak of my boyfriend at work. There has always been this chemistry between me and this guy though. We work really well together and there is just this “spark” there.

After working late one night we were just joking around as usual, and the next thing you know we were kissing. That is as far as it went but now I am freaking out. Should I tell my boyfriend? Does this make me a “cheater” now? Does kissing count as cheating or is it still flirting? Does this mean I should break up with my boyfriend to see if the other guy may be a better fit for me?
Signed,
Freaking in Flatbush

Dear Take-a-breath,
OK, have you taken the breath? Good. Let’s think about this for a minute and don’t get all hasty. You say that you love your boyfriend so I don’t know that breaking up with him just like that is such a great idea. Also, if the kiss was a one time only error in judgment, I don’t know that telling him would do your relationship any good. So before anything else, let’s talk about that.

Do YOU want to pursue this other guy? (Who, which by the way you happen to WORK with EVERYDAY) Do you feel like the kiss was a beginning to something more you both want, or you were tired and having fun and you just crossed a line? What would YOU do if it could happen again? Is pursuing this other guy worth giving up your current relationship to do so? I can’t answer those questions for you- only you can.

Here’s the thing, in all relationships there will come a point where someone will come along that makes you question if you are with the right person. You will be drawn to them, attracted to them. Usually because they are representing something you feel may be lacking in your own relationship. The conscious decision to ACT on those feelings is where things get sticky- and sneaky. With your act of kissing him, you crossed a line. Some lines can’t be crossed back over. You want to know if you’re a cheater? Well some would say yes and some would say no. Would you consider your boyfriend a cheater if he kissed another girl? There’s your answer.

Something is up in your relationship if you are kissing other guys at work. What is it? Is he what “good looks like to you” or have you always felt like you weren’t really sure if he was the right one- but wanted someone to watch movies with on the weekend? If the latter is true, it is not fair for you to continue on in the relationship regardless of what happens with the other guy. Again, would you want a man to stay with you knowing his heart wasn’t really in it and was just waiting for something better to come along? No you would not.

However, if you tell me that you really love your boyfriend, and he is what “good looks like to you” and you see yourselves having a future together- you need address what you feel is lacking  and to make the decision to stop kissing other men. Period. Yes you can look at another man and be attracted to him, or you can get along with him- and hell, I even believe a little flirting doesn’t hurt. All normal stuff and it doesn’t make you a beast, just human. But here is the truth; people in committed relationships don’t kiss others. Some people you can not be “just friends” with. It just doesn’t work. Maybe it is that way for you and this other guy right now. You work with him so you can’t stay away from him, but try to work with others around, don’t go to lunch with him, and keep it to work. I’m not saying be mean to the guy but if you are committed to your boyfriend, don’t put yourself in a position where you are vulnerable to the temptation. If you are not capable of seeing where the line is when you are with this person, you need to take whatever steps you can to not put yourself in a position to cross those lines until you no longer feel that way around him.

Good luck and let me know how it works out for you.

Love, Diva